Into Hell Rules

 

Chapter 1: Death and Entrance

 

Needless to say, Nate was quite surprised when he died. He worked for a construction company, and had a cat, Ethan, who died shortly before Nate. It was at his job at the construction company that he died. On the topic of his death, let's just say hard hats aren't good protection against wrecking balls. Needless to say, at the moment of death, Nate was instantly transported to a small kiosk near the front of an amusement park. Nate shuddered. He never liked amusement parks. Sitting at the kiosk was a bored looking demon cleaning out the underside of his fingernails with a pencil. The demon looked up as Nate approached. "Can I help you?"

 

"Um, yes," Nate replied. "Where am I?"

 

"You're at the entrance to hell. Want to go in?"

 

"No, not especially."

 

"Well too bad. Go in."

 

Nate opened his mouth to argue, but then he realized that arguing with a demon might not be the best for his future.

 

"Um, can I at least ask you a question first?"

 

"One question. Everybody gets one."

 

"What was the correct religion?"

 

"There wasn't one. We just told you there was to instill hope. Now go!"

 

And Nate walked forwards, into hell.

 

Chapter 2: 'Till Death do us part...

 

     Stalagmites, sticking down from the roof of the cave reminded the citizens of Hell where they were. Most of the Damned were broken, they just submitted to the punishment inflicted regularly on them at torture hour. Erin, a bright young fellow who had died fighting in Modsadishu, Somalia never seemed to react to the torture the ways the others had. Yes, he would howl when the lash struck his back, but he never seemed to change his personality into the way the demons wanted it to be. Today was the day, when the Damned, or imps as the demons called them, would be pitted against each other in a battle royale when the artificial sun was blown out. Today Erin was scared, so scared that an icy feeling crawled down his spine in the depths of hell.

 

     "Come'on you imps we have to get mining," Hollared the Demon Thrall Driver, "We gotta' lotta' shinies' to mine by the end of today!"

 

     Reluctantly, Erin picked up his pick-axe and started mining. The motion became natural to him, back and forth, back and forth. He hated it when he day-dreamed. He was in fact a soldier but he feared the lashings and was not scared of the battle royale. If he died, where was he supposed to go? Seattle?

 

     "Noob" A nearby Demon commented.

 

     You could sometimes tell how an imp or Demon spent their life, by the dialect they used.

 

     "Do you play World of Warcraft?" Mocked Erin with his signature smile that always ticked off the boys back at the hangar when he was still alive.

 

     "I only got to download beta before my computer exploded, killing me." The demon cried with tears rolling down his face, but evaporating a millisecond after being shed.

 

     Erin was scared, he had been caught before, breaking down his superiors. He did not want to be caught again. The punishment for a repeated offence was being sent to the ironic punishment department. This is where Houdini was driven insane, by being given too many easy traps to escape. Where Hitler was driven insane to the point that he repeatedly commited suicide, succesfully "Spamming" Hell.

 

     Erin didn't want that to happen to him. So he did what made sense at the time. He ran. Down the deep tunnels and twisting corridors of Hell. Into everlasting darkness.

 

Chapter 3: A Very Special Soul

 

The Demon Thrall Driver started when he noticed the absence of Erin. "We haven't lost a soul in 100 years, and I don't want to be the first overseer to lose one." he thought. "Maybe if I..."

 

"Lose a soul, Rulssss?" A familiar voice came from behind the thrall driver.

 

"Uh, no Azseral," Rulssss stuttered. "Not at all"

 

"Oh, you've been a naughty boy, Rulssss." A shot of excruciating pain shot through Rulssss and he howled in a way only a demon can.

 

"You've lost a very special soul." Azseral whispered. "And if you don't get him back, I just might just lose you."

 

Azseral hissed with laughter as he retreated back into the shadows.

 

Chapter 4: A Clown and His Crowd

Adam jugled his two chainsaws skillfully in front of the crowd. He let out the laugh of a maniac. He thought he was quite, funny. Probably the funniest clown in all of hell. He then began too breath fire into the air while juggling his chainsaws. Yes, this was the life. Or at least it was the afterlife (which, he supposed, it was). He smiled at the crowd and then threw a pie into his face with his feet and caught his chainsaws with just one finger per hand. "Ha!" laughed Adam in an incredibly annoying, squeeky voice. "Wasn't that funny guys?" The audience staired at him. "WASN'T IT!" Adam screamed and this time he got an uproar of nervous laughs from the crowd.

 

"For this trick, I'm gonna need a volunteer." yelled Adam and he pulled up a fat man, his face covered in a rough, grey, beard. "Now who are you?"

 

"Well, I'm George Lucas, director of Star Wars. I must say this is a mighty fine act you've got going here." commented George Lucas.

 

"Really?" asked Adam. "Then you're going to absolutely love my next trick. Step into the box here, Georgy." he motioned towards a small box in the middle of the stage. George began to rub his wrists, trying to make the pain there disappear. He stepped into the box and looked up at Adam. "I take it your new here." said Adam.

 

"Indeed I am." said George. "Should've never tried to operate on my own appendix. Thought it would save me money. Cost me a bit more than if I had gone too a doctor in the end though."

 

"Well just relax George Imp." said Adam in a calm, soothing manner. "This trick is great. It won't hurt a bit." Then Adam drove a chainsaw through the box and began laughing maniacly. George cried out in pain and then doubled his screaming as a second chainsaw was drivin into the box. Blood flew everywhere. After five minutes Adam stopped and looked at the crowd held to their chairs by barbed wire across their wrists. This certainly was the life. "Ok, who wants to volunteer next?"

 

Adam couldn't wait for the next volunteer to walk into his carvinal.

 

Chapter 5: Water, Water, Everywhere, So Let's Go Have A Drink!

 

     Erin was surrounded by darkness he could not even see his hands in front of him. As they told him back on earth, having one sense dulled, made your other senses more acute. Down in hell this was more than true, he heard his footsteps, so loud that he felt that his ears would burst, the soft gooey insides would flow out, and rush onto the cave floor on which he was traveling. His own ears,  made loud noises from their constant irritation.

 

     "AHHHHHHH" Erin screeched in agony.

 

     Suddenly, everything was quiet for a few seconds. It seemed as though Hell left you alone if you were in agonizing pain. A good sign of pain is a good ole' scream. Erin figured that if he screamed, he would be able to avoid at least some of the pain coming his way. Erin started to scream, and eventually, his ears began repairing themselves.

 

     "Are you trying to get us killed?" a voice yelled.    

 

     Erin turned to face a medium sized imp. His face was wrinkled, and he had scars that implied surgery.

 

     "My name is Alec Guinness." The imp answered to Erin's puzzled face. "You may know me from such films as Star Wars"

 

     Erin looked shocked at his former idol and realized that with him at his side, there was nothing he couldn't do. His new pal Alec was the awesomest guy ever if anyone could help, he could.

 

     "Quiet" said Alec Guinness, realizing that there was a patrol coming.

 

     Erin crouched in pain. Noticing his discomfort, Alec gave Erin some wax to put over his ears. They instantly stopped the hurting. This served him well, for they were sitting there for an hour in the dark when the deamon finally gave up.

 

     "Follow me." Alec commanded with a hoarce voice, and then led him to a small crack in the cave walls.

 

     Inside the wall, there was light. Erin noticed a group of strange faces gathered around a poker table, equipt with swords and guns. He felt unwelcome here, everyone was looking at him with large eyes. For some reason there was a foot of water covering the ground. When someone wanted a drink, they would scoop water with a small glass mug. This system was efficient, but Erin found it appauling.

 

     "Hello" a large imp initiated, "we're the resistance, are you one of us?"

 

Chapter 6: Laugh It Up Fuzzball

Nate walked through this demented carnival. The place was empty and cold in a hot kind of way. Then Nate finnally saw a tent filled with lights. I've got a bad feeling about this, thought Nate but he walked toward the tent anyways. Suddenly the air was chilled with nervous laughter. Great, thought Nate, this can't be good. He took a step into the tent to see hundreds of people stapped to chairs with barbed wire. One of the people turned around and whispered, "You have to get out of here!"

     "Who are you?" Nate asked crouching down behind the chair so no one else would see him.

     "I'm Peter Mayhew of course." Nate gasped at being in front of such an iconic charecter. "Now get out or the clown will kill you!" Nate peeked over the chair and saw a clown, his suite caked with blood, juggling two chainsaws.

     "Whats wrong with him?" asked Nate. "Why's he killing you people."

     "He's a man driven insane from being tortured. Now he kills people and the deamons generally leave him alone. After all he's doing their work for them."

 

     "YOU! In the back! Get up here!" yelled Adam. Peter walked up to the top of the stage. "Get out of here while you still can!" But Nate didn't leave. He had to rescue there people.

 

     Peter was sliced in half like butter.

 

Chapter 7: Nate's Stand

 

Nate stood, his hands at his side, looking up at Adam the Clown. "I don't like what you're doing here."

 

Adam looked up, grinning maniacally. "And who are you?" he asked, unfailingly polietly, (and somewhat creepily).

 

"I'm Nate, and I will stop you..." Nate stopped speaking as a familiar face appeared in the crowd. "...just as soon as I kill Hayden Christenson!

 

Hayden turned to run, but Nate tackled him before he got five feet. "I HATE YOU!!!!" Nate screamed, punching Hayden frantically. "I THOUGHT DARTH VADER WAS COOL BUT IT TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST A WHINY!"  Punch. "LITTLE!" Punch. "BRAT!!!!" Nate screamed, and punched Hayden Christionson one final time. Hayden Christionsen heaved one final , shuddering breath, and died.

 

Nate looked back at Adam. "Is this how you feel..."

 

Adam grinned, and laughed like the maniac he was "All the time bucko, all the time. Hey, kid, I like your style. Wanna join Hell's one and only traveling circus?"

 

Nate looked up, a similary twisted grin on his face. "I think I'll like that."

 

Thus began Nate's time with Hell's one-and-only travelling circus.

 

Sunny with a chance of Rain

 

     Erin shook hands with Will, the resistance leader. Erin had been part of the resistance for two weeks now, and had grown fond of his team mates. So far they had caused much destruction and chaos for the officals of Hell. Erin scooped some beer from the muddy floor of the hideout and grinned. This was the life, well the afterlife. Suddenly, Erin heard a bump. It got louder and louder, Erin swore he heard someone screaming. Suddenly, the door burst open, and two skeleton S.W.A.T. officers ran into the room.

 

     "ON THE GROUND NOW!"

 

Erin obeyed, and prepared to be transfered to Ironic Punishment.