Man Lights Self On Fire

Today a man by the name of Ted Jones set himself on fire. This morning Ted set out to sell his product, however the day was slow and Ted had a rent to pay. In order to attract customers Ted started ingniting trash cans, but to no avail. Soon he grew desprate and resorted to setting himself aflame. "I didn't know what was happening." said an  anononymous local, "I thought itwas a bon fire in the middle of the street so I joined in with everyone else and sang campfire songs. After five painful minutes of being lit on fire Ted Jones was finely extinguished by the fire department. He is now in the emergency room. His insurance refuses to cover his injuries and he faces charges of arson. "Well I think we all learned something today." Said the local. "Setting yourself on fire is dangerous and you shouldn't do it."Ironicaly Ted sold three times the amount of brochures he usually sells.

Doctors Report That Eating Vegetables Can Kill You

Recently doctors released a report detailing how eating fruits and vegetables may result in death. While for most people devouring fruits is usually no problem a few people can experiance a major throat infection if they eat more than there daily recomended amount of fruits and vegetables. The same stud also confermed that if you eat one fruit or vegetable a day and consume mostly meats and then decide to switch to nothing but vegetarian you can experience "meat withdrawl symptoms." During this time the person in withdrawl becomes very depressed and the chance of them getting spinal cancer triples. "I was suprised that people could get an infection if you ate too many vegetables, but I had no idea that becoming a vegetarian cold turkey could have deadly consequences." Said Doctor Miller from U.C. Davis. "This could seriously change the way people diet." The throat infection is treatable if foudn within a month of it starting and the withdrawl symptoms go away after 2-3 weeks.

Dead Stockbrocker Is Being Sued

Daved Lands a famous stockbrocker in New York city made millions of dollars during his life time. He was quite possibly the greatest stockbrocker of his generation and inspired hundreds of people. However Daved died trajically at the young age of 57 from aids and left his family his huge fortune. However, Daved didn't just give his money too his family but he also handed over his problems. Young Beneth Arthor claim that Daved stole his brilliant advice to give to his clients. To cover his tracks Beneth claims that Daved then framed him for communism and got him sent to a north korean death camp for the financially insane. Daved then went on to grab fame and fortune while Beneth rotted in a death camp. "It was really mean of him," says Beneth. "I was just trying to make some doe with some good advice. Fortunatly I escaped from the camp by digging through the dirt floor with by plastic spoons. Fortunatly it only took two years." Now Beneth is sueing the Lands family for $80,000 U.S. dollars. Both sides are said to be making a court apperiance May 24th 2008. We will be presenting more details as they come.